Car Thoughts

• What the fuck kind of bird is THAT?
• Billboard-"Jesus Christ is still coming"- Maybe "still on his way" would be a better choice of phrase.
• Hey dude! I can totally see you over there picking your nose! Good dog, is there a treasure up in there or what?
• You, Mr. Dick Motorcycle Man, are why people dislike motorcyclists. You, personally.
• I've invented brain yoga!
• AAAARGH! Not again with the Lady Antebellum! I think I may throw up.
• You are so right, I should only be doing 60 on the highway. Thank you for being in the fast lane and preventing me from speeding. Your goodness will be rewarded in heaven.
• I want Michelle Obama arms.
• I hope no one notices that I have two different socks on.
• I just burnt my uvula.
• ♪Silent e is a ninja. Silent e is a ninja.♫

Things they never taught you in Sunday school

First of all, let me ask you all where the time has gone? Last post was in January. Alas, I am not a dedicated blogger, folks. And now, let's get to the subject of this post. It was going to be about our magnificent (and when I say magnificent, I mean magnificent! Not kinda fun, or sorta cool, or even splendid, I mean magnificent!) trip to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary and to worship at the altars, I mean restaurants, of Rick Bayless. Instead, I find myself compelled to share with you a spiritual lesson I learned on my refrigerator the other morning. No, it's not the image of the Virgin Mary made out of the smudges on the front of the fridge door. It's not a message from the Creator spelled out in alphabet magnets. It's something Ike created. I'm sure he is destined to become one of the great religious and spiritual leaders of the future. (Oh, and yes, this is made from a set of Nativity magnets. And yes, they are still there from Christmas. Don't judge!) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the gospel according to Ike- Apparently, in this little known version of the story, baby Jesus (that scamp!) has decided to use his godly powers to ride on the star-that-shone-in-the-east's tail. In this close up, you can clearly see that both baby Jesus and the star are having a high-ole-time! Both shouting, "Wheee!" One of the biggest mysteries of this escapade was why He took the manger with him. Was it like a rocket ship or a magic carpet? Or was it because he enjoyed lounging whilst cavorting through the heavens? I will have to leave that up to your interpretation, my friends. The other aspect of this scenario that needs our attention is the reaction of the Lord's parents. Take a look at what is happening in this close up. Joseph is yelling, or exclaiming loudly, "Come Back!" But he doesn't look particularly alarmed that his son is traipsing through the skies on the tail of a star. His unconcerned smile seems to be saying, "Oh that boy!" in a proud papa kind of way. His hands extended in a little shrug of, whataya gonna do with him? And Mary? She sits with a benign smile on her face, hands folded in prayer. Maybe she is doing what all mothers do and is closing her eyes when the kids are doing something reckless. The way I do when my boys are skateboarding down the hill at break-neck speeds or when they were smaller and would hurl themselves down the slide. The way I will do when they drive away from me in the car the first time they drive solo. There she is, hands folded, face calm, silent prayers sent to heaven that He will come home safe. That is what Mary is doing. I have to admit that I'm never that calm about the whole recklessness thing though. Obviously, this is one of the reasons she was chosen to be the mother of the Lord, she can remain calm even in extreme situations! I guess being the parents of a supreme being can be challenging, but you just have to have the right mindset about it all. So, children, what have we learned today in class? Well, in the book of Ike, chapter one, the Lord is an irrepressibly fun-loving being. Not a bad way to look at it if you ask me.

Questions

Let's say that you are out on a cool and cloudy Saturday afternoon, taking a walk in a lovely wooded park. You are walking on a wide paved trail (it's actually what used to be a street through a subdivision), enjoying your music, the brisk weather, the exercise. Now, walking in front of you is a woman with two dogs on leashes. You notice that she is having some difficulty with the dogs. They are medium to largish dogs and are very excited. They are bouncing along the trail, pulling at the leashes, going in opposite directions. At one point, she does some kind of spin around thing to untangle the leashes. And then, oh no!, her ipod is falling out of her pocket and as she is rearranging and putting earbuds back in, she removes one of her gloves and it falls to the ground. This all happens while she is continuing to walk.

Question: Do you call out to the woman? Alert her to the mishap? Maybe yell something like, "Hey crazy dog lady! You dropped your glove, you may want to get it!" Or something else along those lines. You could maybe even pick it up and hand it to her. (Crazy idea, I know!) Or, do you choose the schmuck way and just let her continue walking for a quarter mile until she goes to put her glove back on and discovers that it isn't under her arm where she had tucked it while she wrangled with leashes and earbuds?

Question: When said woman realizes she has dropped her glove and now has to turn around and go back a quarter mile to get it and that you had to have noticed her glove falling to the ground way back there and chose not to tell her, is it ok for her to set loose the hounds on your inconsiderate ass?

Final question: Do you know how hard it is to clean up the dogs when they are all schmutzic?

Here's what I think

Which is a totally stupid title for a blog post, because what is a blog post other than what the author thinks? That's the point, right? Here's what's been rattling around in my noggin, and now you get to read it. That is the definition of blog. So, on to what I've been thinking.



This may take awhile, my brain has been stuffed full with thoughts. Some interesting (interesting to me, anyway), some silly, some serious. It's a whole mishmash up in there!



First, let's start with Charley. The dude is fantastic. Who's Charley? Why he's only the newest member of our household. A sweet boxer boy we got from Mulligan Mutts rescue. He is magnificently cute and wonderfully smart. I will hear no arguments on this. Ok, well, I have heard the argument from the cat on this point. His position is that Charley is a big, dumb oaf. A big, dumb oaf determined to lick him like a lollipop. And since he has no desire to be licked like a lollipop, he stays as far away from Charley as he can and detests him with every furry fiber of his little kitty cat being. But the cat is the only one in the house who doesn't like him. The rest of us are pretty taken with him.



I could bore you with all the cute things he does, but new pet owners can be just as obnoxious as new parents when it comes to sharing unwanted details about how their pet/baby is the best pet/baby that ever lived. Cuter, smarter, funnier, destined for better things than your pet/baby. So, I will just share one small detail. (Humor me here) When we go for our early morning walks, he looks into every storm sewer along the way. Every. Single. One. I'm not sure what he's looking for, but watching him staring down into the storm sewer, his brow furrowed in concentration, his ears perked up, his body half backing up, half leaning forward-I'm curious, I'm wary-makes me laugh. Hopefully there aren't any C.H.U.D.s down there. Lard. I never thought of that possibility until JUST NOW! AHHH! No more dog walking for me. I don't want to be eaten by some Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. Nope. Not a good way to start the day.



What's that? Do I have a picture of him? Why yes, I do. Why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable, I've got a whole album full. Nah, just messin' with you. Here's one of my favorites. By the way, he's named for the famous pugilist Charley Burley. If you don't know who he is, go here to read about him. http://http//charleyburley.com/index.htm And truthfully, he already had the name Charley. I just googled famous boxers named Charlie, and that's what appeared. It makes for a good story though, oui?

Let's see, what else is going on...



I really can't remember any other thing. The whole idea of cannibalistic humanoids wandering underneath my subdivision has chased all the thoughts out of my head.



Oh wait, here it is. And it has nothing to do with dogs or C.H.U.D.s. Unless C.H.U.D.s are God's retribution on city slickers.



Let's talk about folks who say that natural disasters are God's way of punishing folks. I'm gonna get all churchy on you here, so feel free to exit this post now if that isn't your thing.


Let us all open our Bibles to the 9th chapter of John.

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."



Bad stuff happens in this world. Really bad stuff. Sometimes it affects just a few people, sometimes it affects thousands. Hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanos, mudslides, droughts, floods-all natural disasters that can kill thousands of people and leave thousands more homeless. We hear about them and we look to the sky and raise our hands to heaven and ask, "Why?" We want an explanation. We want the world to make sense. And it just doesn't. Being weak and frightened, we want to rule out the possibility that something similar could happen to us, so we blame it on the wrong-doing of the people suffering the tragedy. "Surely these were people who deserved this. I on the other hand am living right. I don't have to worry."


And then in John, chapter 9, Jesus says, (and I paraphrase here. What audacity! Paraphrasing the Lord!) "Nope. Has nothing to do with sin and everything to do with showing the work of God." And the work of God, as far as I've been able to cotton, is love. "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" Galatians, chapter 5" The only thing. The ONLY thing.

Bad things happen, that is the way of the world. And in responding with love to those bad things, we are doing the work of God on earth. We are called to be the light to others foundering in the darkness. Whatever form that darkness takes.


The horrible earthquake in Haiti is not some divine retribution. If God deals in that kind of retribution, I need to go outside and wait for the lightning bolt.


The next time you want to rail at the Almighty, screaming, "Why?" Ask yourself if it is an opportunity that God is giving you to spread the light of His love.


Thank you and we will now sing hymn 342 and pass the plate. Amen.

Puppy Love

Note to a puppy:

Sure, you're cute, with your sweet puppy breath and your little puppy teeth and your cute puppy wrinkles and your soft puppy fur and your floppy puppy ears. Sure, you lure me in with all of those things and then the next thing you know, you're peeing on my carpet and chewing my couch.

Oh, I'm wise to your ways, Puppy. And I was able to resist your charms in the store. I held you in my arms and rocked you to sleep and then said, "NO! No puppy! It's too cold for potty training now. Too much work to put everything up out of its reach! Too stressful to worry about having to come home and let him out every few hours."

And I was fine with that decision in the store. Perfectly, utterly fine.

Only now? Now, I'm thinking about driving back to that store and getting you and bringing you home! Damn you, Puppy! Damn you and your irresistable sweetness!

So this is 2010...

Now listen, I could make some big resolution to blog everyday in January, but let's all face the fact that I've already missed the first day, so that resolution is screwed. I almost got out of bed last night to post something, just so I could make that my resolution and then I said, "aw f#(% it. I'm tired." Which, I suspect, is how many people handle New Year's resolutions.

Ok, now here's the real deal on my resolutions. Or resolution. They are still not fully formed, except this one. Forgiveness.

This craziness all started when I read the book, "The Shack". Many people I know have read the book. They've told me how wonderful they found it to be-"life-changing", "thought-provoking"-all those hyphenated praises that people give to books. I resisted. I'm still in an I don't know what I believe kind of place, so I didn't want some crazy book about a guy in a shack talking to God to scramble my brain any further. I resisted and resisted and resisted. Dug in my heels. Scoffed. Shook my head at the book when I would pass it in the store. That shake of the head that says, "you silly, silly, overly religious, altar-callin', holy-rollin', hellfirin' and brimstonin', misguided little book. I am much too jaded and worldly to get anything from you." Until a friend whose judgement I trust, who is in much the same place as I am religion-wise, asked me if I wanted to read it. She told me that she went into the book fully expecting to hate it, and then didn't. So I read it.

And I didn't hate it. I did not hate it. To be fair to the book, I found it to be none of the things I had thought it would be. Other than a tad overly descriptive. But when you're trying to describe heaven and God, I guess it's natural to get a little out there with the descriptions. And to quote King Julian, "After much deep and profound brain things inside my head", it made me realize that I need to forgive some folks.

Forgiveness, according to The Shack, is taking your hands from around the throat of another. I love that analogy. Think of the effort it takes to keep your hands around all the throats of all the people who may have wronged you. And seriously, who has that many arms? I'm not one of those great Hindu gods with all the arms. Just have two. What will I do with all the extra energy I have now that I'm not wasting it on strangling folks? The possibilities are staggering!

And before any of you in the peanut gallery pipe up, I am painfully aware that I need forgiveness too, but I'm not in charge of that part of the equation. I can only be in control of where my hands are, not where other people's are. Although, to carry the analogy further, being forgiven is very much like being able to take a deep breath again. I have been blessed to know that feeling.

There are many more thinks, yes thinks, that go into this. Does it matter if the forgivee knows you've forgiven them? Does it matter that the forgivee doesn't think they need to be forgiven? I guess the answer to those questions would be no, it only matters on the forgiver's end. The act of forgiveness is what sets one free to then live and love unconditionally. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass againt us." We forgive because we are forgiven. As we forgive, we are forgiven. Ooo, the churchy part of me is still there somewhere!

So, there you have it. Not a particularly funny post, but those will come soon enough. 2010 can't be all about the serious, can it? If it is, I want out right now, just sayin'.

Happy 2010! May we all find what we are looking for this year.